Explicit Threats and a Piece of Parchment
by lumos.maxima
Summary: What happens when the Marauder's Map finds it's way into the hands of McGonagall? CHAOS. No pairing yet. Sequal up soon. beware the cerfuzzlement.


**Explicit Threats and a Piece of Parchment**

**DC:** J K Rowling's.

**A/N:** Written for dear Author #2 for giving her a scare by telling her I was thinking of quitting fanfiction.

Marauder's Era

**Summary:** When a certain enchanted piece of parchment makes its way to Minerva McGonagall… let's just say… things don't go very well.

McGonagall frowned at the writing in front of her. She was in her office alone, reflecting on the third year's essay which she was marking. It was her spare block, thank god, and finally she sighed, and gave the illegible scrawl up for a lost cause.

Minerva then decided to examine a slightly more daunting piece of parchment, one she had confiscated the day before from four certain students. She braced herself, then tapped it with her wand, muttering the words, "Minerva McGonagall orders you to reveal your secrets." It wasn't really a spell, more of a revealing charm she had discovered worked especially well on items she had obtained from her students, whether former or present.

_Misters Wormtail, Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs welcome you to the wonderfully cerfuzzling item recently become known as the Marauder's Map. _She frowned.

_Mister Padfoot requests that Professor McGonagall ask more politely, as she is a teacher and should be setting a rather more mannerful example for the wee little first years. _

_Mister Moony corrects Mister Padfoot on the term that 'mannerful' is not a word and what he meant was 'polite.'_

_Mister Padfoot assures Mister Moony that he absolutely meant to write 'mannerful,' as he couldn't care less as to whether or not it's a word. He also thinks it necessary to point out that Mister Moony should be less of a know-it-all and that, word or not, it certainly got his point across._

_Mister Wormtail interrupts in saying that he is not very confident that the point did get across, as dear professor McGonagall has not replied yet._

_Mister Prongs finally suggests indiscreetly that professor McGonagall should return the parchment to its rightful owners and stop staring at it with such a cerfuzzling expression on her face._

_Mister Wormtail wonders as to how Mister Prongs is able to see the professor's expression when we are all in a piece of paper and not a one-way see through mirror._

_Mister Prongs would like to propose that Mister Wormtail keep his trap shut for a moment, and adds that before Mister Wormtail blabbed, the professor did NOT essentially know that._

McGonagall acted on a whim, tapping it with her wand and watching as the words she was thinking appeared on it.

_Minerva McGonagall wonders as to what this odd article is and reassures Mister Prongs that she would never have been fooled into thinking Mister Prongs could see her anyhow._

_Mister Moony speculates as to how Minerva McGonagall's thoughts appeared on this parchment, and urges his fellows to help him figure out how to mend that little glitch after they have retrieved the map. _

_Mister Wormtail jogs Mister Moony's memory and feels the need to restate the fact that Mister Moony is part of the reason the map is in the professor's hands. Speaking of which, Mister Moony still has to suffer the punishment for that._

_Mister Moony continues to object to the falsehood that it was his fault, and asks Mister Prongs to clarify on that._

_Mister Prongs would like to ignore Mister Moony for the time being._

_Mister Padfoot reminds Minerva McGonagall that it is quite obvious this is the Marauder's map, as was written before. He reprimands the teacher for being such a hypocrite and not paying more attention, as she is constantly forcing her poor students to do so in class._

_Mister Prongs reinstates his previous suggestion where he recommends the professor return the parchment to the wonderful, amazing, handsome, mysterious man known as James Potter, before he is forced to resort to blatant trickery and blackmail._

_Misters Padfoot and Moony would like to point out that Mister Prongs is none of the adjectives he so tactlessly added._

_Mister Moony does not wonder why Mister Prongs declined to add 'intelligent' to the aforementioned list of adjectives._

_Minerva McGonagall sincerely doubts that Mister Prongs has more on her than she has on him, and promises him that she will be speaking to a certain BOY named James Potter about what supposed "blackmail" he has on her._

_Mister Prongs believes that Minerva McGonagall probably does not recall Christmas two years ago, when said teacher failed to realize that Dumbledore had asked the house elves to add a bit of firewhiskey into the pumpkin juice. Said teacher was also feeling inexplicably thirsty that day…_

_Mister Moony apologizes for the crude insensitivity/stupidity his fellow Marauder has shown, and would like to proclaim that he feels nothing but absolute shock, horror, and disbelief that Minerva McGonagall should threaten a student, even if the student was asking for it and is pretty much only a piece of parchment as far as she knows. He also debates whether or not threatening a student is irreverent. _

_Mister Padfoot would like to inform Mister Prongs that it was rather pitifully transparent that he was really James Potter, and that he, Sirius Black, would never give his identity away so easily to a non-Marauder._

_Misters Wormtail and Moony would both like to point out that Mister Padfoot has contradicted himself, as Minerva McGonagall now knows his true identity anyway._

_Mister Padfoot would like to say that he can just as easily give away Mister Wormtail's given name as well, at which point it would not be very difficult for the professor to guess who Mister Moony is._

_Misters Moony and Wormtail apologize for the small mishap, and remind Mister Padfoot that Mr Prongs will have to be punished for being the first to reveal his identity to a non-marauder. _

_Mister Prongs protests and reminds his colleagues that Mister Padfoot gave his away as well, and therefore should also be punished, along with Mister Moony for allowing the map to be taken in the first place._

_Mister Wormtail celebrates the fact that he is the only one not to be punished._

_Mister Prongs thinks Mister Wormtail should be punished just for saying that._

_Misters Moony and Padfoot agree._

_Mr Wormtail feels the need to remind his associates that professor McGonagall is still reading this parchment._

_Minerva McGonagall proclaims that if the Marauders refuse to tell her who made Ellen Mont's hair into a balloon which made her float up to the classroom's roof that very morning, she might just "forget" the parchment on her student Severus Snape's desk. She also had decided to ignore a feeling of foreboding and ask what she might have done on Christmas two years ago._

_Mister Moony again wishes to express his severe disappointment in Minerva McGonagall's tactics._

_Mister Prongs laments the fact that he never before got the opportunity to tell his dear McGoogle how beautiful she is._

_Mister Padfoot takes back his comment on Minerva McGonagall's hypocrisy, as she is really not a hypocrite at all._

_Mister Wormtail feels abnormally resigned, but cannot help his disgust at the mention of Snivellus._

_Minerva McGonagall is watching her office's fire, thinking that it needs a bit more fuel._

_**The Marauder's Map regrets to inform you that its makers are currently on holiday. If you, dear user, wish to make this map return to its previously cerfuzzling ways, please make your way to the Gryffindor fifth year boys dormitories. Sincerely; Misters Wormtail, Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs.**_

_** P.S. Please make sure you knock before you enter.**_

_**The end**_


End file.
